Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

yall want some gasoline milk

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.