Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

😭😭

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless