me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
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Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight