me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.