Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Has science gone too far?

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”