Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan