Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

That’s easy for you to say

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

excuse me

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still