Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

😂😂

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe