Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

I feel it

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…