Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

fourth time’s the charm

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.