Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.