Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume