Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
