Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

“It could be drugs,” I tell myself as I buy more books

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

this could fix me

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜