Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.