Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

My dream car is a taco truck.

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente