Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

technique

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00