Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
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The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
🤭😂
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
