Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.