Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]