Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Somewhere in an alternate universe

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

new shirt idea

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.