Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

calling in to work dehydrated

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch