Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

neighborhood watch

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation