Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.