Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
You Might Also Like
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.