@captainkalvis

ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes

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@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@LuvPug

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

@GrantTanaka

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

@causticbob

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

@aotakeo

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

@TheBoydP

[Newlywed Game]

Bob Eubanks: Describe your wife as an animal

Me: *flips card* Owl

Wife: Who?

Me: You

Wife: Who?

*Bob and I high five*

@comer310

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

@Diversion50

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

@amydillon

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.