My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out