The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes
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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Bob Eubanks: Describe your wife as an animal
Me: *flips card* Owl
*Bob and I high five*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.