@captainkalvis

ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes

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@MourningGlory_

I just ate an entire bag of Werther’s and now I’m 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

@SteveKoehler22

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

@notseriouslyamy

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

@sfreeze6

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

@KeetPotato

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

@KeetPotato

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”