Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game