Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email