Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

need a new bf mines broken 😐

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?