Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…