Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.