WINDEX CEO: listen, I can’t have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear–
CEO: you’re fired.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
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“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
waitress: and for you?
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.