Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
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6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I forgot how to panic. Help
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money