Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.