Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb