Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

They did not miss in the small print

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.