Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

A double negative is a big no-no.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you