Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Who knew!

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

I have questions??

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.