Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?