Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?