Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

Ladies, why y’all do this?

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*