Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

oh u like geography? name every lake

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Meanwhile in Canada…

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I think this might be relevant today.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.