Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.