Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
having children is a pyramid scheme.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.