Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Ape together strong

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow