Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

it takes so much energy

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand