Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

😂

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

Children of the corn 🌽

sign of the times 🖊

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky