Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.
CNN exec: meh
Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!
*CNN exec absolutely loses it*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.
Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.
“You are terrible at metaphors.”
“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?