Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet