Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears