My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
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MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
me: goodnight moon
moon: i have a boyfriend
*dont let him know you been stalking him
Him- so my brother just got deployed
Me: Josh or Brian?
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Her: You know what turns me on? Adventurers who survive adversity.
Me: Once I got lost inside my duvet cover and thought I was going to die.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox