Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️