Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Meeeee too!

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Software Development ⛵️