Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
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Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Thank you 🥹
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life