ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
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[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”