Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

When you’re here for the treats.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Fights fire with marshmallows

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady