Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

That took me a moment.

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.