Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

idk what this dog had been going through but same

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.