ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.