ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.