Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you