Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have