Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

“No way.” -Jose

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Trying

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

About to throw up

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”