Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.