Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now