Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
You Might Also Like
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”