Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
me logging onto twitter
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”