Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
You Might Also Like
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Family Celebrity
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
IT’S-A ME,
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome