Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
and now we wait
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶