Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!