Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

boys are so easy to impress

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?