me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
