Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

titanic

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.