me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people