Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.