Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
the simulation is moving too fast
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
