Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *